Really, really love this piece as a 34-year-old Botox refuser. I've also thought a lot about how Botox makes women more "palatable" by effectively muting our anger & emotions visually....
I'm not sure if this is true, but I read once that Botox actually prevents us from FEELING our emotions as viscerally because the expression itself is part of the experience. That really shook me
This was incredible. One of my favorite pieces you’ve written so far. As a 40 year old with no preventative Botox or anti aging skin regimen in place, the battle to not give in to the pressure is real! Especially when gravity and normal age is starting to set in(read NORMAL). To let this completely go and be set free of it really is a goal. As you pointed out, think of what we can and will do without the energy and money spent on trying to be something we aren’t and weren’t even made to be.
Thank you so much — I was nervous to publish this because there are a lot of people I love and respect who get Botox, and I didn't want anyone to feel like it was an indictment of their choices. But damn, for me, I cannot see past the implications long enough to get onboard
I’m 44 and have also decided to take a stand against Botox and fillers, but boy have their been moments when I’ve considered other “less invasive” forms of anti-aging. I have also fallen prey to spending ohhhh so much money and time in natural anti-aging methods (ie: a gajillion step face care routine, gua sha, frownies, etc). So while I’m refusing to support this new trend that natural beauty is not beautiful anymore, who am I to judge when I’m still trying to stay as young looking as possible as long as possible? We women are really put in impossible positions. Look at these poor celebrity women. If they don’t get plastic surgery, they get criticized for looking old (how dare they?!) BUT if they get plastic surgery that’s too apparent, they’ve ruined their looks (what a shame).
Thank you for putting words to this Katie! Light NEEDS to be shed on this topic!
100%. I’ve thought this, too. And ultimately, I’m also just human trying to make it in a broken, patriarchal capitalist system — so I spend my days trying to do what I can to fight the good fight at a nonprofit, urban community health center serving mainly Medicaid and immigrant families, and my nights/weekends securing my own financial safety blanket by smoothing out foreheads. These two jobs are an oxymoron and best and require dissociation at worst.
"These two jobs are an oxymoron at best and require dissociation at worst." Damn, poetry, much? To your point, everyone does what they need to do to survive under patriarchal capitalism. I feel lucky now that I have the privilege to abstain without real risk and be a tiny vote for aging LOL
The ole English degree comes in handy every now and again.
Sure - it’s economical survival under patriarchal capitalism, but I don’t think that even skims the surface of the reason for this medical aesthetics boom. It’s also psychological survival for an industry who bore the brunt of the pandemic, and continues to bear the repercussions in its aftermath.
So so so many nuances to this topic. Appreciate the candor as I just really felt compelled to provide a different/clinical view for your readers.
Well F$&k, I never cared what I looked like when I was younger. Never dyed my hair, I barely even had it cut, Never did my nails, had a very basic ability to do my make up, and My fashion sense was probably atrocious, but I don’t think I ever thought two minutes about it. But when I started nearing my late 40s, I started to not feel like myself and that’s when I started the Botox and the fillers, etc. And I’m not going to lie, it makes me feel better about myself, but also very aware of what a hypocrite it made me feel like. Feeling like a hard-core, true feminist and yet subjecting myself to that need to feel young and more importantly the very obvious benefits society bestows on you if you meet their standards. It feels like my deepest, darkest secret that I keep even from myself. At least it was until your article forced me to face it. (Thanks a lot!)
To make matters worse, my daughter, who’s not yet 12, is already interested in skincare and make up. When she was younger she would watch me put on make up and asked me “why”? How do you explain to a little girl why you’re putting on make up and at the same time tell them they don’t need it and never should want it? It’s honestly a soul killer.
I’ve followed you for years now and always love your thoughts and insights. I Love that you’re branching out into something you love and are obviously good at. Can’t wait to read more of your insights
I knew when this comment began with "Well F$&K" that I was in for a good one! One thing that Jessica said to me in the interview that always stuck with me was, “Not everything you do in life needs to be a feminist choice.” Under patriarchy, that would be all but impossible. But it allowed me to see a more cumulative picture—at the aggregate, are my actions advancing the liberation of all women? Not every one of my actions does (see also: I own and wear a push-up bra). But this feels like something I *can* do, a tiny vote for the world I want to live in and the values I want to express. That said, I'm only 29. The wrinkles are only just beginning. I have not yet begun to be tested in earnest. Lmao
Love this. I started getting Botox a year ago after much inner conflict about it. I have for a long time have recognized that the obsession with how we look is pretty out of whack. I witnessed a colleague's mommy makeover simultaneously while my other colleague had a double mastectomy for breast cancer. It seemed wild to to me how similar those two surgeries are in terms of risks and recovery. One person was doing it to save her life and the other to look younger and hotter. Those damn grooves in my forehead from being so expressive were really not taking the makeup so well.
Maybe it is culture, maybe it's the adult acne that keeps me wearing makeup I desperately want to ditch, maybe it's denial; but I don't really think of myself as getting older (unless I drink a drop of alcohol and then my body assures me that I am in fact aging). I recognize that culture may have imprinted this longing for youth in me, but I also think there is a larger longing to be immortal that spans across cultures. It is just really sinister how it has manifested for women in western society.
Beautiful comment. Thank you for sharing this. As I was going to write back to someone else, I think it's liberating, in a backward way, to remember that not every choice we make will be a 'feminist choice.' I wear a push-up bra. That surely isn't advancing the cause of women, lmao. But the awareness itself (and resistance to categorize them as such) is something that's felt really "right" to engage with more honestly
I’m 49 & I started Botox not to look young, but to get rid of as much of my “11s” because they were making me look grouchy. I’m not interested in turning the clock back as much as I am interested in looking relaxed & rested. I tell my Botox lady “nog too much, I still need to be able to scowl at folks!” I also use tretinonin, bc yes, I’d like my wrinkles to chill - but mostly bc I’m trying to undo the sun damage of growing up in Mississippi and not using sunscreen in my youth like my Mama warned.
Fillers - nah. Those give me the creeps. And good on anyone who wants to inject their lips, but it’s fortunately not something I need or want.
High self-esteem is something we should aspire to. I read the counsel “don’t read beauty magazines; they’ll make you feel ugly” long ago & took those words to heart. I deleted Instagram about three weeks ago & that’s helpful too.
I loved this piece because I've often succumbed to the pressure in ways I didn't want to but the one I am glad I have is the Botox on the 11s -- I was giving myself tension headaches by frowning. I am wondering what the balance is between holding out, when is "legitimate" selfcare (yes, I know, there is a load of baggage even using that term) vs. reinforcing the white patriarchal youth fetish?
But yeah, it really, really pisses me off that I, even being stubbornly "low maintenance," still spend much more time, energy, money maintaining my appearance than my husband (he's 3 days younger), yet at best, I am holding ground vs. his improving.
Listened to your podcast episode today on the beauty hamster wheel. I haven’t bothered to shave my armpits in years, and for me it’s a very shrug emoji thing. I missed the peak of the riot grrl movement by a few years but Sleater Kinney (“watch me make up my mind instead of my face”) and Lilith Fair were a big part of my teenage experience. I suspect that these pressures are much more difficult for people who grow up in very mainstream settings with conventionally pretty appearances. For those of us who grew up as weirdos/outcasts/ugly ducklings as teenagers, we knew that no amount of money or effort could make us beautiful by the conventions of normal society. I’m grateful for this in retrospect, since it’s really shaped my world view and it means I simply can’t identify with a lot of the beauty pressures many women face.
Katie, I’m an OG listener and have tokened myself your biggest fan, but I am absolutely bursting at the seams with thoughts while reading this.
You’re focused on the consumers of these products, but who are most of the injectors? Nurses. Finally getting to cash in on the capitalism that so many around them have while they did the underpaid, overworked caregiving role while paying the pink tax.
I’m one of those nurses - hustling away 20 minutes visits as a primary care NP in a system that demands humans to function as robots. What an invigorating, stimulating thing it has been for me to pursue Botox as my side hustle (you told me to!!!!), my business (tax write offs!!!!), an avenue to flexibility and financial stability (FI!) that I can’t get from the systems I work within 9-5. I, nor none of my clients, look overdone or frozen or plastic or unachievable. Our 60+ minute visits are ripe with conversation of life’s stressors (the stories behind the wrinkles, per say), why they’re treating themselves to this expensive thing, the reason behind the SSRI I had to review in their past medical history, why they are choosing to support me - a small business rather than a huge medspa corporation, and more.
Idk man. I get what I’m trying to say is I totally get why Botox culture smells a lot like diet culture, but I just don’t think it’s all bad. Especially when it’s raising up this workforce of nurses which I think is a huge piece of this that you overlooked.
And it definitely is not what causes food poisoning! It’s actually extremely safe as it has been studied for decades for other medical uses.
Happy to chat more about this if you’re interested in considering the other side of this cultural phenomenon.
I understand and empathize with this point of view and I agree with what Rachel said before me—this is the reason why I think it's futile to assign judgment to any one "individual choice," because everyone's doing what they need to do (whether it's what they actually need, or perceive to need) in order to live a full and free life in the system we exist within. This essay is my credo on why I personally feel incapable of participating and supporting the industry at large—but that doesn't mean I don't support you as a human. You are lovely, and you're clearly working really, really hard. Like Rachel mentioned, I too wish caretaking professions were more accurately valued and respected to begin with, such that those pursuing them didn't require side hustles to make ends meet. It's rotten all the way down, but it sounds like you create a really lovely environment for your clients.
I totally get what you're saying here and also really respect your hustle - and you sound like an amazing, empathetic nurse - but isn't this in a way also another way that Botox is a bandaid for a broken, patriarchal capitalist system? If nursing and other female coded professions were given the respect they deserve, you wouldn't have to have a side hustle that's also rooted in those structures. Of course that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong AT ALL, you sound amazing and I wish you tons of success with your business - I'm just thinking about the structures behind all of it.
This is such an excellent essay. I'm 37 and my hair started going grey in my early 30s. I dyed it for two years, which is required every 3 weeks if you want to avoid dandruff-looking grey roots on dark brown hair. I started to really resent the time and money involved when I compared my experience to my husband's (going grey was no big deal at all for him). I met another active, kind, interesting mom through my daughter's daycare who had gone grey and was rocking it. Meeting her gave me "permission" to begin to think about doing the same. It took another year or so before I decided to grow out my grey. I hated it and felt so torn about it the whole time and felt quite dissociated from my appearance. Surprise, surprise, I kept getting MORE grey, which often shocked me when I looked in the mirror and I considered running back to the salon. I still often hear comments about it from friends, especially those I haven't seen in over 6 months. It's attention I never wanted, and I've been so tempted to dye it again. I just chopped off the last of my dyed ends after 2 years of growing out the grey and finally feel happy about my choice. I'm officially off the hampster wheel of dying my roots (which never felt like self expression, but an expensive and time consuming way just to blend in to society). In addition to saving money and time, what helps me feel resolute in my choice is that maybe I can be that person who gives someone else "permission" to do the same, even if it's someone I don't even know who sees me out in public. I feel the same way about not getting Botox. Also, it's wild that Botox is literally a toxin and most hair dyes are carcinogins, yet we've completely normalized that part!!
Good for you! My gray hair is now drawing close to my waist. Someone asks me if it’s my real color every time I go out. I used to hit my roots every two weeks. That’s no way to live. I believe I look better gray. I loved my brunette hair but this is also good.
I will scream this from the rooftops, “aging is a privilege, not everyone gets to do it.” So forget the social norms, be the authentic you (she says while still grappling with being a weirdo at 36) because not everyone gets to live long lives.
Love this. I never know how to respond to my friends when they say they get Botox because it makes them feel better. I’m like but WHY does it make you feel better?
Did not expect to cry into my cereal this morning over a substack piece but damn Katie you did it. I never even considered Botox until I moved to Dallas after college and the culture for it is so much more normalized here than in my old Virginia suburb. I was shocked when I found it was something I now “wanted.” For why!?
This is such a well-written piece that brings together thoughts I’ve had about women and beauty separately over time but never put together. It creates such a vivid picture of the pressure we live under to sustain beauty and youth for, lets be honest, old men!!! Sending this to every woman I know and love xoxo
Really, really love this piece as a 34-year-old Botox refuser. I've also thought a lot about how Botox makes women more "palatable" by effectively muting our anger & emotions visually....
I'm not sure if this is true, but I read once that Botox actually prevents us from FEELING our emotions as viscerally because the expression itself is part of the experience. That really shook me
Whoah, that would make sense and....holy shit. Also shook.
This was incredible. One of my favorite pieces you’ve written so far. As a 40 year old with no preventative Botox or anti aging skin regimen in place, the battle to not give in to the pressure is real! Especially when gravity and normal age is starting to set in(read NORMAL). To let this completely go and be set free of it really is a goal. As you pointed out, think of what we can and will do without the energy and money spent on trying to be something we aren’t and weren’t even made to be.
Thank you so much — I was nervous to publish this because there are a lot of people I love and respect who get Botox, and I didn't want anyone to feel like it was an indictment of their choices. But damn, for me, I cannot see past the implications long enough to get onboard
I’m 44 and have also decided to take a stand against Botox and fillers, but boy have their been moments when I’ve considered other “less invasive” forms of anti-aging. I have also fallen prey to spending ohhhh so much money and time in natural anti-aging methods (ie: a gajillion step face care routine, gua sha, frownies, etc). So while I’m refusing to support this new trend that natural beauty is not beautiful anymore, who am I to judge when I’m still trying to stay as young looking as possible as long as possible? We women are really put in impossible positions. Look at these poor celebrity women. If they don’t get plastic surgery, they get criticized for looking old (how dare they?!) BUT if they get plastic surgery that’s too apparent, they’ve ruined their looks (what a shame).
Thank you for putting words to this Katie! Light NEEDS to be shed on this topic!
"Every time a person chooses to get lip filler, it creates a tiny, Kylie Lip Kit-sized ripple effect. " hahahah I love you
100%. I’ve thought this, too. And ultimately, I’m also just human trying to make it in a broken, patriarchal capitalist system — so I spend my days trying to do what I can to fight the good fight at a nonprofit, urban community health center serving mainly Medicaid and immigrant families, and my nights/weekends securing my own financial safety blanket by smoothing out foreheads. These two jobs are an oxymoron and best and require dissociation at worst.
"These two jobs are an oxymoron at best and require dissociation at worst." Damn, poetry, much? To your point, everyone does what they need to do to survive under patriarchal capitalism. I feel lucky now that I have the privilege to abstain without real risk and be a tiny vote for aging LOL
The ole English degree comes in handy every now and again.
Sure - it’s economical survival under patriarchal capitalism, but I don’t think that even skims the surface of the reason for this medical aesthetics boom. It’s also psychological survival for an industry who bore the brunt of the pandemic, and continues to bear the repercussions in its aftermath.
So so so many nuances to this topic. Appreciate the candor as I just really felt compelled to provide a different/clinical view for your readers.
Well F$&k, I never cared what I looked like when I was younger. Never dyed my hair, I barely even had it cut, Never did my nails, had a very basic ability to do my make up, and My fashion sense was probably atrocious, but I don’t think I ever thought two minutes about it. But when I started nearing my late 40s, I started to not feel like myself and that’s when I started the Botox and the fillers, etc. And I’m not going to lie, it makes me feel better about myself, but also very aware of what a hypocrite it made me feel like. Feeling like a hard-core, true feminist and yet subjecting myself to that need to feel young and more importantly the very obvious benefits society bestows on you if you meet their standards. It feels like my deepest, darkest secret that I keep even from myself. At least it was until your article forced me to face it. (Thanks a lot!)
To make matters worse, my daughter, who’s not yet 12, is already interested in skincare and make up. When she was younger she would watch me put on make up and asked me “why”? How do you explain to a little girl why you’re putting on make up and at the same time tell them they don’t need it and never should want it? It’s honestly a soul killer.
I’ve followed you for years now and always love your thoughts and insights. I Love that you’re branching out into something you love and are obviously good at. Can’t wait to read more of your insights
I knew when this comment began with "Well F$&K" that I was in for a good one! One thing that Jessica said to me in the interview that always stuck with me was, “Not everything you do in life needs to be a feminist choice.” Under patriarchy, that would be all but impossible. But it allowed me to see a more cumulative picture—at the aggregate, are my actions advancing the liberation of all women? Not every one of my actions does (see also: I own and wear a push-up bra). But this feels like something I *can* do, a tiny vote for the world I want to live in and the values I want to express. That said, I'm only 29. The wrinkles are only just beginning. I have not yet begun to be tested in earnest. Lmao
Very much relate to the "feeling like myself" comment.
I want to read this to everyone I know. It’s exceptional!! I love your writing
Thank you so much, Lauren! I really appreciate it.
Love this. I started getting Botox a year ago after much inner conflict about it. I have for a long time have recognized that the obsession with how we look is pretty out of whack. I witnessed a colleague's mommy makeover simultaneously while my other colleague had a double mastectomy for breast cancer. It seemed wild to to me how similar those two surgeries are in terms of risks and recovery. One person was doing it to save her life and the other to look younger and hotter. Those damn grooves in my forehead from being so expressive were really not taking the makeup so well.
Maybe it is culture, maybe it's the adult acne that keeps me wearing makeup I desperately want to ditch, maybe it's denial; but I don't really think of myself as getting older (unless I drink a drop of alcohol and then my body assures me that I am in fact aging). I recognize that culture may have imprinted this longing for youth in me, but I also think there is a larger longing to be immortal that spans across cultures. It is just really sinister how it has manifested for women in western society.
Beautiful comment. Thank you for sharing this. As I was going to write back to someone else, I think it's liberating, in a backward way, to remember that not every choice we make will be a 'feminist choice.' I wear a push-up bra. That surely isn't advancing the cause of women, lmao. But the awareness itself (and resistance to categorize them as such) is something that's felt really "right" to engage with more honestly
I’m 49 & I started Botox not to look young, but to get rid of as much of my “11s” because they were making me look grouchy. I’m not interested in turning the clock back as much as I am interested in looking relaxed & rested. I tell my Botox lady “nog too much, I still need to be able to scowl at folks!” I also use tretinonin, bc yes, I’d like my wrinkles to chill - but mostly bc I’m trying to undo the sun damage of growing up in Mississippi and not using sunscreen in my youth like my Mama warned.
Fillers - nah. Those give me the creeps. And good on anyone who wants to inject their lips, but it’s fortunately not something I need or want.
High self-esteem is something we should aspire to. I read the counsel “don’t read beauty magazines; they’ll make you feel ugly” long ago & took those words to heart. I deleted Instagram about three weeks ago & that’s helpful too.
I loved this piece because I've often succumbed to the pressure in ways I didn't want to but the one I am glad I have is the Botox on the 11s -- I was giving myself tension headaches by frowning. I am wondering what the balance is between holding out, when is "legitimate" selfcare (yes, I know, there is a load of baggage even using that term) vs. reinforcing the white patriarchal youth fetish?
But yeah, it really, really pisses me off that I, even being stubbornly "low maintenance," still spend much more time, energy, money maintaining my appearance than my husband (he's 3 days younger), yet at best, I am holding ground vs. his improving.
Listened to your podcast episode today on the beauty hamster wheel. I haven’t bothered to shave my armpits in years, and for me it’s a very shrug emoji thing. I missed the peak of the riot grrl movement by a few years but Sleater Kinney (“watch me make up my mind instead of my face”) and Lilith Fair were a big part of my teenage experience. I suspect that these pressures are much more difficult for people who grow up in very mainstream settings with conventionally pretty appearances. For those of us who grew up as weirdos/outcasts/ugly ducklings as teenagers, we knew that no amount of money or effort could make us beautiful by the conventions of normal society. I’m grateful for this in retrospect, since it’s really shaped my world view and it means I simply can’t identify with a lot of the beauty pressures many women face.
Katie, I’m an OG listener and have tokened myself your biggest fan, but I am absolutely bursting at the seams with thoughts while reading this.
You’re focused on the consumers of these products, but who are most of the injectors? Nurses. Finally getting to cash in on the capitalism that so many around them have while they did the underpaid, overworked caregiving role while paying the pink tax.
I’m one of those nurses - hustling away 20 minutes visits as a primary care NP in a system that demands humans to function as robots. What an invigorating, stimulating thing it has been for me to pursue Botox as my side hustle (you told me to!!!!), my business (tax write offs!!!!), an avenue to flexibility and financial stability (FI!) that I can’t get from the systems I work within 9-5. I, nor none of my clients, look overdone or frozen or plastic or unachievable. Our 60+ minute visits are ripe with conversation of life’s stressors (the stories behind the wrinkles, per say), why they’re treating themselves to this expensive thing, the reason behind the SSRI I had to review in their past medical history, why they are choosing to support me - a small business rather than a huge medspa corporation, and more.
Idk man. I get what I’m trying to say is I totally get why Botox culture smells a lot like diet culture, but I just don’t think it’s all bad. Especially when it’s raising up this workforce of nurses which I think is a huge piece of this that you overlooked.
And it definitely is not what causes food poisoning! It’s actually extremely safe as it has been studied for decades for other medical uses.
Happy to chat more about this if you’re interested in considering the other side of this cultural phenomenon.
I understand and empathize with this point of view and I agree with what Rachel said before me—this is the reason why I think it's futile to assign judgment to any one "individual choice," because everyone's doing what they need to do (whether it's what they actually need, or perceive to need) in order to live a full and free life in the system we exist within. This essay is my credo on why I personally feel incapable of participating and supporting the industry at large—but that doesn't mean I don't support you as a human. You are lovely, and you're clearly working really, really hard. Like Rachel mentioned, I too wish caretaking professions were more accurately valued and respected to begin with, such that those pursuing them didn't require side hustles to make ends meet. It's rotten all the way down, but it sounds like you create a really lovely environment for your clients.
I totally get what you're saying here and also really respect your hustle - and you sound like an amazing, empathetic nurse - but isn't this in a way also another way that Botox is a bandaid for a broken, patriarchal capitalist system? If nursing and other female coded professions were given the respect they deserve, you wouldn't have to have a side hustle that's also rooted in those structures. Of course that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong AT ALL, you sound amazing and I wish you tons of success with your business - I'm just thinking about the structures behind all of it.
Aging should be “in”, but at almost 65, I still feel wooed to look younger. 🤪
I’ve started using the phrase “hot girl disguise” and it’s been a banger.
This is such an excellent essay. I'm 37 and my hair started going grey in my early 30s. I dyed it for two years, which is required every 3 weeks if you want to avoid dandruff-looking grey roots on dark brown hair. I started to really resent the time and money involved when I compared my experience to my husband's (going grey was no big deal at all for him). I met another active, kind, interesting mom through my daughter's daycare who had gone grey and was rocking it. Meeting her gave me "permission" to begin to think about doing the same. It took another year or so before I decided to grow out my grey. I hated it and felt so torn about it the whole time and felt quite dissociated from my appearance. Surprise, surprise, I kept getting MORE grey, which often shocked me when I looked in the mirror and I considered running back to the salon. I still often hear comments about it from friends, especially those I haven't seen in over 6 months. It's attention I never wanted, and I've been so tempted to dye it again. I just chopped off the last of my dyed ends after 2 years of growing out the grey and finally feel happy about my choice. I'm officially off the hampster wheel of dying my roots (which never felt like self expression, but an expensive and time consuming way just to blend in to society). In addition to saving money and time, what helps me feel resolute in my choice is that maybe I can be that person who gives someone else "permission" to do the same, even if it's someone I don't even know who sees me out in public. I feel the same way about not getting Botox. Also, it's wild that Botox is literally a toxin and most hair dyes are carcinogins, yet we've completely normalized that part!!
Good for you! My gray hair is now drawing close to my waist. Someone asks me if it’s my real color every time I go out. I used to hit my roots every two weeks. That’s no way to live. I believe I look better gray. I loved my brunette hair but this is also good.
I will scream this from the rooftops, “aging is a privilege, not everyone gets to do it.” So forget the social norms, be the authentic you (she says while still grappling with being a weirdo at 36) because not everyone gets to live long lives.
Love this. I never know how to respond to my friends when they say they get Botox because it makes them feel better. I’m like but WHY does it make you feel better?
Did not expect to cry into my cereal this morning over a substack piece but damn Katie you did it. I never even considered Botox until I moved to Dallas after college and the culture for it is so much more normalized here than in my old Virginia suburb. I was shocked when I found it was something I now “wanted.” For why!?
This is such a well-written piece that brings together thoughts I’ve had about women and beauty separately over time but never put together. It creates such a vivid picture of the pressure we live under to sustain beauty and youth for, lets be honest, old men!!! Sending this to every woman I know and love xoxo